TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
