why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
