Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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