Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
