I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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