It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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