I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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