I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
