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I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
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u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
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Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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