and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
