I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize