Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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