Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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