dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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