Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
