What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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