I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
