My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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