Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
