I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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