Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
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