Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
