so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
birth control should be required to get into college
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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