I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
