why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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