The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
