He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
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She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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