she looked like the before picture.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
