guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
