Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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