his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
