I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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