yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
