the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
