I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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