the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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