whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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