Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
