The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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