The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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