Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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