I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
