Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
