brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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