Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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