There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
