remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
