Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
