There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
