She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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