if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
