go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
