Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
