you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
