My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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