i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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