I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
my poor anus
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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