Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
