the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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