I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
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Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize