I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
