so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
