Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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